Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Randomize
