she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
