I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
