We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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