I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
