Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize