She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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