That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
