I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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