Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
