3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
