im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
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Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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