i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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