Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times