Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?