And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
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Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
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You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext