You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.