I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
