i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
