12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
