if i can run in heels then i can drive
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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