so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize