Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
