then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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