I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
