17 year olds will be the death of me.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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