My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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