Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
