The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
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the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
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I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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