I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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