John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
