The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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