He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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