she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
