Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
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Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
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I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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