I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
