So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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