why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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