I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
They left me at home... I'm a liability
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
