Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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