You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Are my feet made of real feet?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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