my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
