Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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