Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
