Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
