Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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