I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
love makes seman taste better
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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