Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
The uberlube is also flammable
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
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