She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
