I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
