I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
