how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
