Pants 0. Shit 1.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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