I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
