i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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