Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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